Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Personal Reflections

Perception is a tricky thing. One minute I'm heavy, exhausted, bags under my eyes, hair wadded up in a ponytail holder, last night's tee shirt still rumpled around me after noon, feeling like a misfit, a loser, an unaccomplished wanna-be. The next minute I splash some cool water on my face, revitalize a bit, dab on some under-eye concealer and lipgloss, rip out the hair binder, shake myself loose, step into some well-fitted clothes and voilá, minutes later I feel different, more alert, self-assured, accepting, excited even of all the possibilities, of my capabilities, of the new alliances and collaborations that have been revealing themselves to me. With a twinkling of an eye, and a shake of the head, suddenly, things are possible, new directions are opening, ideas are flowing, and I don't feel so alone or so stuck or so limited. I actually feel quite good, quite capable and downright excited about future possibilities.

Tricky thing this perception. And what is it about confidence? How can some of the most confident, capable women in the world feel so inadequate at times?

We might not be able to have everything we want, or all at the same time, but we surely always have exactly what we need, even if we can't always see it.

As I watch the proliferation of millions of predominantly women-mama bloggers with their comments in the double digits and subscriptions in the hundreds and thousands, as others go through their gratuitously open lovefest, supportfest, rising popularity and cross-bloginating jump on the bandwagonfest, I start to question my voice, my reasoning, my raison d'etre. My POV. (Point of view.) Why am I blogging?

And as for my writing, the book, I ask myself where's the angle? Where's the framework? Where's the ladder? Quick get the wading boots.

My tendency is to stop, reflect, pull back, rather than glom on. I never have won any popularity contests. I never was trendy. I never did grab the brass ring. I did always, however, have an opinion. I did always speak my mind. There was, always, my heart of knowing, my truth. Perhaps I never was reaching for the brass ring afterall, perhaps I was striving for gold. Platinum. Perhaps my victories will be small, personal, hard won, luminous.

While out walking today, this little bauble presented itself to me:

"It is not so much your words that offend, but rather, your silence."

I took that as an answer to the question, why do this, what's the point? To mean carry on, tell your story, don't worry so much about it being perfect, or agreeable, or popular, or accepted, or validated. It is the silence, especially women's silence, the silence of shame and struggle and victimhood, the "I'm fine I can manage all by myself thankyouverymuch," which cripples and keep us in the dark, isolated, unknown, and unhealed.

Yet it is the very assertion that I am valuable, my pov is valuable, I have a right to express my life and my story, there is a place for me, there is value in it, perhaps even universality in it….and the telling of it releases the secrecy, the inner struggle...and already I am healing. I am becoming my own light of knowing.

And so, like that inflatable punchbag clown who keeps popping back up, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going.

Today's "Mama Moment" brought to you by Bozo the Bop Bag, a brisk hilly walk and an ice-cold cup of water.


Michelle O'Neil said...

Thanks for this. I really think if you have something legitimate to say, there will be someone to read it.

Then doubt sets in.

Then, I think my first thought again.

And then I doubt.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Your story MUST be told, Tanya. You speak for many that can't speak! Yes, the silence is the problem, not your POV!

Keep going!

Jerri said...

Your POV is SO valuable, T. So very, very valuable. I treasure your writing and your opinions and your comments. Yours specifically.

Comparing ourselves to others is poisonous. So you don't yet have thousands subscribing to your blog. Everyone starts somewhere. This is where you are, and it is good.

One of the greatest things about the blogosphere is that we each have good times and bad and we have each other to hold faith for us during the times we can't find it ourselves.

You've held faith for others, including me, when I couldn't find it for myself. Today, I'll hold faith for you until it returns to you. As long as it takes, no matter what happens, I'll be here believing in you and your work.


Prema said...

Wow, you're so right - we were channeling the same thing on the same day! Reading gives me there you go. Your voice gives me something, a reflection perhaps? But something real and meaningful. Even the doubt and questioning are valuable for me to hear about...if for no other reason than to know that I am not alone in the journey. It shows me the view from where you stand. And that gives me the hand on the back to look squarely again at my own work.

holly said...

"It is not so much your words that offend, but rather, your silence."
I Love that.

Thanks to you and Prema both for voicing, on the very same day, the very certain thing we all wrestle.

Lee Wolfe Blum said...

Yes me too! Yes your story must be told...the story of HOPE!