Monday, January 28, 2008

Actual View

Sometimes words are good to make your point, to question, to provoke deeper reflection, to examine a metaphor, but sometimes, the picture tells the tale.

I had my camera with me today and couldn't resist taking a few shots. So with that in mind, here is the actual view of the house from the previous post.

See the wall?

Totally blocks the flow of energy at the entrance.

All that beauty to a dead end.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


"Up here, everything's fine.

It's down there that's tricky."

* * *

Been doing my best to stay calm, stay centered, to breathe my awareness into as much of my life as I can.

I don't always succeed.

I am learning to be patient, to be tolerant and loving.

Sometimes I just lose it, I can't do it.

My feelings about the school, its (and more specifically our) future in it, my life, my future, my daughter's well-being, my marriage, our choices...all of it...the whole of it...revolving, spinning, changing, in day-glo opposites. At once optimistic, then fatally, outrageously pessimistic, the emotional storms twist like torrential thunderstorms, then dissipate.

And still I try to sit, to get clear, to call upon my highest purpose, to align with my highest destiny, asking to make it shown, obviously so, so this unclear vortex of capabilities and passions can find its rightful outlet....

...and what I get is clear as mud, or more specifically, spin-art. Anything. Nothing. Whatever you want. So many colors, so little time. Anything you want to be....

I don't know!!

And the next steps that present themselves are more work and quicker turn-around time on projects for the school.

That I can do.

And so I do.

I keep questioning, is this my work? Why?
Because they NEED it? Because I can SEE it? Because I know how to DO it?? What about do I want to do it? Or is it just that it needs to get done and I'm a good get-it-done kind of girl? Is this gonna be my calling? Helping parents navigate the dicey lottery of choices available to them, and then once in, detailing all the ways they're supposed to repair and improve what was discarded and broken?

Do I feel abandoned? Don't I deserve a richer life? A system that actually works? When was education my calling? Or is it just what's in front of me? Or am I just resisting again?

I had lunch with a friend I knew back in our spectacular preschool. I asked her, "Please, tell me what it's like to be able to drop your kid at school and feel utterly at peace with your decision, confident in your choice, able to move through your day completely focused on your own work?!!"

Because I really need to feel that peace.

I'm still not feeling it.

(Of course she got that choice after her second year of trying, and the 40 minute 4x per day commute is so taxing she hired a driver 3x/wk to do it for her and they will be relocating closer in the next year if they can afford it! But she is happy. Extremely happy with her decision.)

And now, as we work to sell the Kool-Aid to the next round of much-needed prospective parents down here, I am wondering if I am contributing to the giant Bill of Goods, or are we actually doing anything good? Is it working? It's such a fine line. I just can't see it. We probably won't see it for years.

I know I have higher expectations than many. That might be a problem and a curse.

In too deep.

Taking my hooks out, backing up a few steps, I'm off on my morning run. For me.

Passing a newly upgraded home, I slow down to view the work, the choices. Hmm. They took a standard dime-a-dozen ranch house and added some decorative siding, a fresh coat of paint, and a second-story addition off the back half. Just the height of it alone transforms the predictable base. The
arched front door is decorated in a lacy wrought iron front gate. Stunning choice. Really stunning entrance. It immediately pulls you in.

I stop and stare. There are workers working coming and going with the front door open so I peer in to see...

...a wall.


Yes, a wall.

A parallel
wall just 3 or 4 feet from the open front door, completely closing off any view inside.

Now who would put these gorgeous, beckoning doors on the front, only to open up to a wall??

I started to think this was a metaphor.

How many of us, when opening, opening and expanding to our true greatness, find ourselves opening up to a wall? Immediately limiting ourselves, as if shielding ourselves from the stunning new view?

Or is it, when faced with unlimited possibilities, the potential of a brand new layout and floor plan, we just build what we know?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Top Of The Hill

There's this spot on the top of the hill I like to go, where the whole world seems spread out before me. Not really. Just feels that way. The discerning eye only sees treetops and telephone poles, slivers of rooftops, and the poke of palms dotting the horizon where the pull of the ocean follows just beyond that.

You might drive past and see nothing. Hundreds of cars do daily…yet somehow, my heart leads me here and I know better than to resist.

I follow the steps that come intuitively. No book led me here except the longing in my own heart and the collective wisdom of ages upon ages of I don't know what. I dare not qualify or quantify it for fear of diluting its potency. Doesn't matter. I'm drawn here. So I am here.

I've used these steps for a workout more than I can count, yet lately, I sense they are for a greater work. Since last time, I have already seen the changes…motion…connection…the truth of the living, breathing, inter-weaving of hearts and desire. Fabulousness. We are creating fabulousness, yes. So who am I to not answer the call? If my part is up here--visioning, holding, embracing the acreage from way above the treetops, who am I to argue? I can already see the benefit. The progress. The joining of hearts. And a bit of a shift.

So, today I am back. Opening to whatever will unfold.

Pen ready, journal in my lap, feet anchored on the concrete step below me, sun radiating warmth and glory all around me, my heart, secure in this place, alive with knowing, begins to swell and open and come out of hiding.

As I breathe in slowly, my heart expands, pushing my ribcage, larger, larger… and on the exhale, freeing my energy past the constraints of the body's limitations of form. I am not the body, I just live here. And to expand feels like returning home. A place where it's safe to be large. Safe to be free. Safe to be undefined. Embraced. Where all there is, is Love. I am that. We all are.

I spread my love out amongst the treetops, encircling the little school with the big heart, with the big yard, 10 acres of possibility, unlimited potential, surround it in Love. And wait for what comes next.

This is all I know to do today. Open, extend, encircle, embrace, radiate, and wait for the next thing.

I shake the rug of reality and watch the ripples. Crumbs fly off leaving a clearer, clean view. We are reset.

Pen poised, I wait for instructions. Then I will walk on campus shortly to see what happens next.

May these words be helpful to others. Do not fear them. This is the Truth.

I must go now. I open my eyes and see a woman dressed in a blue jogging suit standing at the bottom of the stairs, arms outstretched as if receiving a blessing. I smile. Nod.

And now it's time to go.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Empty Page

I have half an hour.

A half an hour is a lot of time if you use it wisely.


Sitting at the top of steps, panoramic view of the neighborhood spreads out before me from high in the hilltops. My body full-up in longing can't wait to begin the process. Can hold it in no more. Anchored, I let it out. All of me:

Expansion. Awareness. Highly aware. Super conscious.


Open. Large. Boundary-less.

I am here but I am more.


Exhale emotion. Exhale conflict. Exhale rifts. It is a relief. Expel and flush. None of it me. None of it personal. None of it lasting.

My heart settles, shaking off the dewy emotional charges as petals in the wind. I am cleansed. Purified. Re-centered. Brilliant.

Uncontained. Formless.

Sparkling like sunrays tickling the ocean's ever-changing surface. Making it laugh. Dance. Delight. Fire and water. Ebullient.

I place my focus on the school over there. Right over the tree tops. Not just a collection of buildings, I see a living, breathing community. I embrace the whole plot.

Smiling at the choice of word. Plot of land, plot of drama. I embrace the whole vastness this it is, that it wants to be.

Radiate, and elevate.

Sometimes more work can be done from up here than in the muddy biased trenches.

Neighborhoods rise and fall:
It's not the homes that make the neighborhood, but the people in them.

Same could be said for schools. Our school:
Either rising - building, connecting, embracing,
Or declining - neglecting, disconnecting, abandoning.

Which is it? Things could go either way.

A mere perception shift away.


TA. Who is she? What part does she play?
Skill sets…like so many pages ripped off and blowing in the breeze…

Empty page.

New year.

New choice.

Do I really need this pen? This knife? This track? This role?

Your destiny is any way you want it to be…

What do I want?

That's an excellent question. You think I've never thought of it before?


Oh the luxury of being able to think…without the gun to my head, the child on my hip, the collectors at my back….knowing that whatever I pick really will be ok, won't really matter in the big scheme, change the scenery it's all part of the same source…

What do you want?

What do you want?

The answers come, so obvious:

I want to feel good.
I want to feel awake.
I want to fee love.
I want to feel joy.
I want my creations to be meaningful.
I want my creations to connect with others.
I want to be well compensated, not depleted from my efforts.
I want my steps to be obvious. Sure.
I want to be fearless.
I want to be protected, provided for.
I want to see possibilities, not restrictions…
I want to stay connected.
I want it to be effortless.
Totally me.

You already are all these things.


The Blank Page.



From Nothing…Something.

All possibilities exist.

How to decide?

What to choose?

Does it really, really matter?


It's all the same, truly.

Conscious effort.
Conscious creation.
Conscious parenting.
Conscious living.

To live in love, not fear.

To be the light you already are.

To trust that you will be all right, no matter what.








So now I go pick up my daughter from school, knowing truthfully…

it doesn't really matter what I do, as long as I do it with the fullness of who I already Am.

I am full. All things are possible.

There is security in knowing this.

The bell rings right as I'm heading into the yard.

Up here, everything's fine.

It's down there that's tricky.

(Btw, this took only 20 minutes. And 3 more days to post.)

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

...from the stillness

I have been quiet. Reflecting on the blankness, on what is to come.

No, I haven't drunk myself into a quandary, 
(although I do seem to like posting cocktail recipes. )

No, I am not in my sick bed, thank God. 

No, I am not rushing around in a mad-dash of energy as I usually am.

Just trying to stay centered, calm, still...

and create the next moment.

Fully conscious.

Step by step.

Happy New Year to all my brave and beautiful friends.

Shine on.