Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Rewire or Haywire?

Now that I've had some down time, and that 3 week family lockdown-no-camp-no getaway thing is over, it's time to dump out some of this backlog and fill you in on what's been going on in the GoMama swirl. First, I just have to get this off my chest. There's been some strange patterns I've been noticing.

Within the last 6 months, surrounding the time my back went out…

My computer, my lifeblood, the motherboard (or motherload) - blown. Dead.

My cell phone - intermittently cuts out and goes blank, then is fine again.

2 different watches- both relatively new- have erratic armsweeps, erratic time-telling, or are just plain not moving (makes a nice arm decoration.) Batteries were checked and fine, btw.

Digital camera - powers up then just shuts down, even when the batteries have been charged overnight. Other times, it works just fine.

Smoke alarm (installed closest to my side of the bed) intermittently goes off in ear-shattering decibels for no apparent reason.

My keyless car fob suddenly, and inexplicably, dies. Oh, it's not the battery they tell me, $75 worth of electronic reboots later.

My home phone - the one on my desk, the hand extension can't hold a charge longer than about 15 mins, then beeps a few times, then dies.

Toaster oven - my old reliable for morning toast and school lunches, perfect for quickly heating mini tacos, chicken nuggets, or taquitos...Dead.

My car stereo - the power amp cracks, pops, then ultimately blows.

The DirecTV DVR box - for months I hear this inexplicable wheezing sound, like breathing, is there a trapped animal under our house? Then finally, we trace it back to the DVR box which then suddenly goes to nothing but blue screen. Dead. All those months of shows queued up for that long winter break? Gone.

I wish I was making this up.

I'm not.


Been a weird time. A time of weird re-wire. A time of contemplation. Time of action. Time of invisibility. Time of non-time.

I've been doing and not doing. Pulling it together, making it happen, yet coming undone.

Over the last few months, every electronic gadget or device I own or frequent or merely even orbit, has been fritzing, as if the vibrations are just incompatible. Or obsolete. Or somehow repulsively degenerative, in need of an upgrade.

It gets to a point where I start to think I am nuts. I am haywire, my system is incompatible, not normal, awol.

Hard not to take this personally, but it's as if all the electronics surrounding my perimeter agreed to all collectively extinguish their lifespan within the same 6 month period. Period.

I've been tracing and studying ascension symptoms assuring myself this is my re-boot, an upgrade, a holy new beginning, only to find myself plunging headfirst into an invisible yet cloying fog so subtle, so unclear, so indifferent that I actually thought I was rising…

…until I found myself sinking into a pudding so thick it was more like being trapped in a jello-like suspension of stagnation and old tapes, "I'm not good enough," "I'm not providing enough," "I'm not fast enough, not hip enough, too invisible, not important? Who needs this? Why am I doing all this? What's the point?"

Fast-forwarding through the What am I doing? Where is my potency? Why don't people see me? Does any of this matter? Am I barking up the wrong tree? Which, then, is my tree? spin I am in I ask, is this a crisis of conscience? Dark night of the soul? But I feel perfectly well and present. Perfectly functioning and competent. Yet everything feels vaguely disconnected and, not right.

Why am I here? Was I put here in the wrong time and place?

I scan my life and my history. My blood relatives behind me, scattered and distant, no connection there. I question why I came here, in that circle, with what intention. A black sheep, a cog in the wheel, unfitted, different, and finally released. Free.

I read about those who came to transmute the darkness into light. Took it on willingly for their families. The transformers, they call them...

I remove myself from the feelings, the pain, so old, so distant, so irrelevant, and over-processed, I just want to move forward, not backward. Am I blind here?

My husband steps over my work and announces after a year of threats that he will be not only be playing in my sandbox but taking over as captain. Is this his way of getting back at me? Of trying to get closer? Of finally hearing my rallying cry and joining the movement, or is he merely trying to prove his power over me?

I just want to run to another place and create a whole new box, fresh, untouched, untrampled by crude, arrogant, always right dominance. Creative energy is infinite. I can create again, I tell myself. I always do. I always will. I am already scanning new vistas, ways to reinvent myself….as if who I am is infinite and need never arrive, never receive fruits of efforts, no harvest, no basket, no rewards. A butterfly scanning for nectar then moving on.

I know this whole process is to show me a new way. It's a push to get me to a new rung or a new height, but I just can't see it. Don't know where to go yet. Can't remember when I've been so passionate or living in my potency for stretches of time where someone didn’t come along and trounce me from it. Can't seem to hold my space, unless it is all meaningless anyway in which case, this creation that creation, never to hold onto one…to set them free and let them resonate where they will…maybe that is the lesson, the chance to be unattached, free. Snowflakes. Each one unique.


Did I tell you that he is now the booster club president of the school? The one I've been working on for years now. The one he threatened divorce if so much as one more hour went out the front door of this house towards that little school. I should be relieved, right, that he finally came to join the cause? Thrilled, right? He heard the rallying cry and came to my defense, right? Joined my cause, our collective cause, right? Right?

Have I inspired him, or threatened him? Or is it merely coincidence? Or is he trying to get close to me and this is the only way he sees how?

Or is it, like so many electronics around me, time to move on. To upgrade. To be replaced? For something newer and better I hope. Something really great.

I need a new operating platform and some new applications, like, stat.



Carrie Wilson Link said...

Well, you know what I"m going to say, so I won't even bother! : )

I am fascinated, however, by the connection between all things electronic/magnetic, there's some wild energy coming towards, or from you, that's for sure!

Go Mama said...

Yeah, I know.
"No accidents."