Friday, December 08, 2006

December 8th.

Ben's Birthday.

Wonder where he is. Wonder how he is.

I was the last one in the family to see him.

It's been 11 years since I last laid eyes on my older brother when he drove off in his red Budweiser truck, navy blue uniform and matching hat, a hug and a "see ya!" between us, and 6 years since he deliberately dodged my occasional calls by changing his number.

I suppose any connection to the family is too painful a reminder of our past, even though I can't fathom what evil I did to warrant his silent treatment. Just that I came through that same tortured womb he did.

Unfortunate for us that we couldn't at least bond against darker forces, together building a fraternal solidarity, a united front . But no, that would be a behavior we didn't see modeled anywhere near our family dramedy.

Like missing an arm, it's weird to think he's out there, somewhere, living his life, a lone survivor, an island unto himself not needing connection or reattachment.

I know little of his adult life.

Does he know he's an uncle...again?

He knew about my sister's baby 23 years ago, but he doesn't know about mine. He doesn't know Miss I'm Never Getting Married is now married. He doesn't know Miss You'll Never Catch Me With A Child now has a 4 1/2-year-old. He's never seen her wavy blonde tresses, or heard her delightful laughter, felt her squishy bear hugs, or experienced her maddening willfulness. Maybe he thinks it's better that way. Any connection to the past might be a gateway too fragile to broach.

So today, December 8th, the day he was born, my thoughts scan and return to honor his memory.

How does one close such a chasm, suture such a wound?

What would I say if he would take my call?

I hope you are…well.
I wish you…well.
I wish you…peace.

Love.

Happy Birthday, dear brother, wherever you are.

3 comments:

Prema said...

Beautiful post. Reminds me of a message in a bottle (NOT the movie).

T, I think we are on a strange, parallel track here. Did you read mine? Makes me believe that, indeed, we are all connected. Love to you. And to your brother out there.

Jerri said...

Love to you and to your brother, T. He may not take your calls, but perhaps he senses, in some small way, the vibrations of your love and good wishes.

I believe he does and am adding my good wishes to yours.

Michelle O'Neil said...

It is so sad how sibling relationships are affected by family dysfunction. I know this too well.

This is a beautiful piece.

Love him.
Bless him.
Let him go until you meet again.

I believe you will.