It's down there that's tricky."
* * *
Been doing my best to stay calm, stay centered, to breathe my awareness into as much of my life as I can.
I don't always succeed.
I am learning to be patient, to be tolerant and loving.
Sometimes I just lose it, I can't do it.
My feelings about the school, its (and more specifically our) future in it, my life, my future, my daughter's well-being, my marriage, our choices...all of it...the whole of it...revolving, spinning, changing, in day-glo opposites. At once optimistic, then fatally, outrageously pessimistic, the emotional storms twist like torrential thunderstorms, then dissipate.
And still I try to sit, to get clear, to call upon my highest purpose, to align with my highest destiny, asking to make it shown, obviously so, so this unclear vortex of capabilities and passions can find its rightful outlet....
...and what I get is clear as mud, or more specifically, spin-art. Anything. Nothing. Whatever you want. So many colors, so little time. Anything you want to be....
I don't know!!
And the next steps that present themselves are more work and quicker turn-around time on projects for the school.
That I can do.
And so I do.
I keep questioning, is this my work? Why? Because they NEED it? Because I can SEE it? Because I know how to DO it?? What about do I want to do it? Or is it just that it needs to get done and I'm a good get-it-done kind of girl? Is this gonna be my calling? Helping parents navigate the dicey lottery of choices available to them, and then once in, detailing all the ways they're supposed to repair and improve what was discarded and broken?
Do I feel abandoned? Don't I deserve a richer life? A system that actually works? When was education my calling? Or is it just what's in front of me? Or am I just resisting again?
I had lunch with a friend I knew back in our spectacular preschool. I asked her, "Please, tell me what it's like to be able to drop your kid at school and feel utterly at peace with your decision, confident in your choice, able to move through your day completely focused on your own work?!!"
Because I really need to feel that peace.
I'm still not feeling it.
(Of course she got that choice after her second year of trying, and the 40 minute 4x per day commute is so taxing she hired a driver 3x/wk to do it for her and they will be relocating closer in the next year if they can afford it! But she is happy. Extremely happy with her decision.)
And now, as we work to sell the Kool-Aid to the next round of much-needed prospective parents down here, I am wondering if I am contributing to the giant Bill of Goods, or are we actually doing anything good? Is it working? It's such a fine line. I just can't see it. We probably won't see it for years.
I know I have higher expectations than many. That might be a problem and a curse.
In too deep.
Taking my hooks out, backing up a few steps, I'm off on my morning run. For me.
Passing a newly upgraded home, I slow down to view the work, the choices. Hmm. They took a standard dime-a-dozen ranch house and added some decorative siding, a fresh coat of paint, and a second-story addition off the back half. Just the height of it alone transforms the predictable base. The arched front door is decorated in a lacy wrought iron front gate. Stunning choice. Really stunning entrance. It immediately pulls you in.
I stop and stare. There are workers working coming and going with the front door open so I peer in to see...
...a wall.
Huh?
Yes, a wall.
A parallel wall just 3 or 4 feet from the open front door, completely closing off any view inside.
Now who would put these gorgeous, beckoning doors on the front, only to open up to a wall??
I started to think this was a metaphor.
How many of us, when opening, opening and expanding to our true greatness, find ourselves opening up to a wall? Immediately limiting ourselves, as if shielding ourselves from the stunning new view?
Or is it, when faced with unlimited possibilities, the potential of a brand new layout and floor plan, we just build what we know?
Been doing my best to stay calm, stay centered, to breathe my awareness into as much of my life as I can.
I don't always succeed.
I am learning to be patient, to be tolerant and loving.
Sometimes I just lose it, I can't do it.
My feelings about the school, its (and more specifically our) future in it, my life, my future, my daughter's well-being, my marriage, our choices...all of it...the whole of it...revolving, spinning, changing, in day-glo opposites. At once optimistic, then fatally, outrageously pessimistic, the emotional storms twist like torrential thunderstorms, then dissipate.
And still I try to sit, to get clear, to call upon my highest purpose, to align with my highest destiny, asking to make it shown, obviously so, so this unclear vortex of capabilities and passions can find its rightful outlet....
...and what I get is clear as mud, or more specifically, spin-art. Anything. Nothing. Whatever you want. So many colors, so little time. Anything you want to be....
I don't know!!
And the next steps that present themselves are more work and quicker turn-around time on projects for the school.
That I can do.
And so I do.
I keep questioning, is this my work? Why? Because they NEED it? Because I can SEE it? Because I know how to DO it?? What about do I want to do it? Or is it just that it needs to get done and I'm a good get-it-done kind of girl? Is this gonna be my calling? Helping parents navigate the dicey lottery of choices available to them, and then once in, detailing all the ways they're supposed to repair and improve what was discarded and broken?
Do I feel abandoned? Don't I deserve a richer life? A system that actually works? When was education my calling? Or is it just what's in front of me? Or am I just resisting again?
I had lunch with a friend I knew back in our spectacular preschool. I asked her, "Please, tell me what it's like to be able to drop your kid at school and feel utterly at peace with your decision, confident in your choice, able to move through your day completely focused on your own work?!!"
Because I really need to feel that peace.
I'm still not feeling it.
(Of course she got that choice after her second year of trying, and the 40 minute 4x per day commute is so taxing she hired a driver 3x/wk to do it for her and they will be relocating closer in the next year if they can afford it! But she is happy. Extremely happy with her decision.)
And now, as we work to sell the Kool-Aid to the next round of much-needed prospective parents down here, I am wondering if I am contributing to the giant Bill of Goods, or are we actually doing anything good? Is it working? It's such a fine line. I just can't see it. We probably won't see it for years.
I know I have higher expectations than many. That might be a problem and a curse.
In too deep.
Taking my hooks out, backing up a few steps, I'm off on my morning run. For me.
Passing a newly upgraded home, I slow down to view the work, the choices. Hmm. They took a standard dime-a-dozen ranch house and added some decorative siding, a fresh coat of paint, and a second-story addition off the back half. Just the height of it alone transforms the predictable base. The arched front door is decorated in a lacy wrought iron front gate. Stunning choice. Really stunning entrance. It immediately pulls you in.
I stop and stare. There are workers working coming and going with the front door open so I peer in to see...
...a wall.
Huh?
Yes, a wall.
A parallel wall just 3 or 4 feet from the open front door, completely closing off any view inside.
Now who would put these gorgeous, beckoning doors on the front, only to open up to a wall??
I started to think this was a metaphor.
How many of us, when opening, opening and expanding to our true greatness, find ourselves opening up to a wall? Immediately limiting ourselves, as if shielding ourselves from the stunning new view?
Or is it, when faced with unlimited possibilities, the potential of a brand new layout and floor plan, we just build what we know?
5 comments:
Excellent post.
Excellent questions.
My belief (now do as I say, not as I actually DO) is that when we are in our highest selves, fulfilling our highest calling, it is FUN, we are JOYFUL, we are PEACEFUL, we are exhilarated! If we are not those things, we are forcing against a door that's been shut, and not turning around to see the open window right behind us.
I would highly recommend listening/reading some stuff from http://abraham-hicks.com/
love.
Great post, T. Terrific questions.
The pond is one of my greatest teachers. This morning I looked out and saw the sun blazing off a small spot of open water. It brilliance literally hurt my eyes and I had to look away.
Right away, it reminded me of Marianne Williamson's words about how we're afraid of our own glory. And now your wall story reminds me of the same.
Carrie's right--our highest calling leads us to joy, to work that does not feel like work. Maybe, just for now, you could experiment with completing the work without attachment to the outcome.
Cause if you LOVE what you're doing, that can be enough. If you discover that you need a certain outcome to make all the hard work feel worthwhile, then you have something concrete to evaluate.
One thing I know for sure--your time and your talents are incredibly valuable. Whoever and whatever receives them is blessed.
Great questions.
Be gentle with yourself...and trust yourself. The answers that you come up with are exactly the right answers for right now. They may change in time, they may not. Either was, it's okay, and it's just the way it's supposed to be.
Just cruising the blogosphere and thought of you when I saw this poem.
We each have a dream inside ourselves,
A gift to us at birth,
To guide us and protect us
On our journey on this earth.
We all have something special,
Each one of us unique
You have to find the courage
To find the peace you seek.
So dream your dream and live your dream
Don't be afraid to try.
Just take your soul by the hand
And let your spirit fly.
by Maureen Weider
I love this post.
"Love this: And still I try to sit, to get clear, to call upon my highest purpose, to align with my highest destiny, asking to make it shown, obviously so, so this unclear vortex of capabilities and passions can find its rightful outlet....
...and what I get is clear as mud, or more specifically, spin-art. Anything. Nothing. Whatever you want. So many colors, so little time. Anything you want to be..."
So familiar. There is so much in so many of your posts that resonates. I think we do keep building what is familiar,often despite these great openings, but I think it is always a choice, if we really persist at acting with awareness (of course, I often get annoyed at myself for not being persistent enough, but that's another story).
I agree with Carrie, too.
And yes, be gentle with yourself and trust. Maybe I'll try that, too! :)
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