You'd think I'd be excited. You'd think I'd be eager to get going. You'd think I'd want to make the most of it. You'd think I'd push ahead to see what insightful "goodies" lay waiting to be discovered by my practice.
But instead, I woke up tired, poorly slept, puffy-eyed, tender-stomached, and reluctant to get going. I thought about blowing off my last day of freedom and going shopping instead. Didn't I need some new running shoes? Didn't we need groceries? Couldn't I take myself to some nice sushi lunch or something? Ugh.
Getting ready was a no-brainer for Sienna. It was "Pirate" week at camp and today would culminate in a Treasure Hunt. She
chose a black ghost tee that said "Boo," a black mini skirt, lavender tights, (she put those on after the photo was taken), and her new brown motorcycle boots.
It took me AGES to get a "comfortable" running outfit together…bras were too constrictive, pants too baggy, shorts too short, etc, etc. Finally dressed and packed up, we left a half hour later than usual. I'm in no hurry.
When we got to camp, instead of making the usual "I-love-you" notes, we went out to the Big Yard to see what was going on. Her friend Maisie was already creating a modern work of art on her face with face paints. Cool, face paints. In honor of Pirate Day, I painted black eye patches on both Sienna & Maisie, and then asked Sienna where we should say goodbye.
"The Gate!" she said, both girls running ahead giggling.
Our goodbye was short and sweet. Once again, no drama. Can you believe it? She finally masters the goodbye on the last 2 days, almost a year later. Hee.
Free from attachment, facing my last day of my practice as I know it, I was curious what lay on the other side of all of my resistance. When there's a lot of it, I've learned that it usually means there's quite a gift on the other side if you can push through it. What am I resisting so much, and why? My curiosity is peaked.
So, off I go, this time camera in hand. I really want to "document" my path. I took it easy half-jogging, half-walking, stopping to take pictures along the way. For a recap of "my running/stairing/writing practice," check out my July 19th post titled Resistance.
http://go-mama.blogspot.com/2006/07/resistance-to-practice.html#links
The Sentinels
The Prostrate Tree
The Holy Trinity
The Wooden Stairs
Since I slowed my jogging tempo down in order to snap photos along the way, I took on another round of The Stairs to make up for the cardio loss. At the bottom of the 4th set, I decide to head left and explore those other stairs I had discovered a few weeks back. What the hell, it's my freedom. I can spend it however I choose.
These stairs headed west, weren't very steep, and led to a path which quickly turned into a densely overgrown wooded area. Shoes, clothes, blankets and food wrappers were discarded here and there among the trash, and it occurred to me that down and out people camped out here, here in the very affluent Santa Monica Canyon. Whether they needed a place to crash, to get stoned, to get off, or to get away, people squatted here. I was filled with a sense that at the wrong time of day, this might not be the best place for a barely dressed woman jogger to be exploring alone. I wasn't really afraid, just aware of the shift of energy I was heading into, yet I was determined to explore the road less traveled. My awareness ever vigilant, I followed it all the way to a dead end on someone's private gated property. Realizing this path is heading nowhere I want to go, I turn around and quickly retrace my steps back to the 1st set of steps and climb up them. I am back on my path.
Suddenly I am flooded with the realization that half my life is already over, that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or board an airplane and not make it back. It occurs to me that it's high time I stick to my path. No more detours. No more doubting. No more time wasting. No more road less traveled. Done a lot of that already.
How about finding your path and following it to its rightful pot of gold?
I am struck by the irony of all that resistance. I AM on my path, I AM working my path, chronicling my journey, sharing my insights…THIS IS what I am supposed to be doing.
Now, if I can only get paid for it…!
2 comments:
Great photo of Miss Sienna! You do this soul searching writing so well! Love the words, "shift in energy" when you realize that you're on the path less travelled. But you still maintain the courage to explore it until your gut tells you that this isn't where you want to be, and your realization that you'd better stick to your plan. It's a short detour, nothing else, and although you have to retrace your steps a bit, you are back on track. This post is so jam-packed with insight, you must be EXHAUSTED at the end. Fantastic writing Tanya! PS- Nice to see the photos on your path!
Do what you love, and the money will follow. I really believe that. You're on your way, Mama!
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