Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Time's Up

It was 86 degrees by 9am this morning coming back from LAX.

(LAX = taking my Dad to the airport. Dad who flew in for a week to celebrate Sienna's turning 5 and tour the amazing preschool he's helped sponsor. Dad who left when I was 3, met again when I was 13, held an intermittent relationship with through the years and as it turns out, proves to be just as irresponsible a grandparent as he was as a parent. No, I guess he can not watch my daughter and her friend for an hour while I do some weeding in the front yard!! Not without allowing them to make a giant, expensive, horrible mess and then telling me he was not responsible so won't apologize….the evening before her garden birthday party after we had been cleaning and preparing for it for days…which set me back a couple of hours due to cleanup...time that could have been spent prepping the food or making the cake, but who needs sleep?

Makes me wonder who the bigger child is, my Dad or my child? It's all a slippery slope. My brain--not to mention my back-- is exhausted from trying to follow the twisted contradictory turns of non-logic and bad English. Every time I think I understand what he's saying he changes on me. Nope. I was wrong…it's just the opposite. A moving target.

I'm like a baby who desperately wants milk but can't latch on. Instead out of frustration, I disconnect…water flowing…surfing the inner wave…la, la, la…I have no idea what you are talking about, nor do you try to make your thoughts legible. Asking clarifying questions only makes things more unclear. He reminds me I should feel sorry for him. He reminds me what a horrible life he has led, how much he has suffered in agony. Yet as a parent myself, I can't imagine walking away from my children. No communication. Nothing. Ten years. Bonding never really happened. Though he tries to make it up to me, what we have is a complex "friendship." Only, I probably wouldn't have chosen him as my friend. What I wanted was a parent. From either of them. I look at him and all I see is a self-absorbed, fearful little man, chasing his shadow, misinterpreting others, totally unaware of the effect of his actions. Or non-actions. Especially his absence. What that does to children. His children. Me. Even though I know he genuinely loves me and would do anything for me, truly, I can only take small doses of his hyper-behavior and pretzel logic.

The truth is, I don't need him anymore. I haven't in some time. And though I try to include him at times, he is really at best a distant bystander. His choice.)

And, despite everything, it was a fantastic, lovely Birthday weekend. We hung out, we saw friends, we played games and revelled in the time together as we celebrated another year.

Now that the "Gift of Time" has come to a close, I am grateful to be back. I am also grateful to be coming back from LAX.

Man, it was hot today!

(More to come…)


Jerri said...

Glad to hear you've gotten to the end of this hassle, and I'm looking forward to the "more."

Jess said...

Um, for a second I thought this post was about MY dad. Oh wait, it's your blog. Same story though, 10 years gone, more like a friend I wouldn't have picked.... Anyway, well said.

I'm glad you had a great birthday party and yummy cake.