Tuesday, May 01, 2007


I ducked out for a while. Life. It got in the way. Instead of fighting it, I jumped into the stream. Let it carry me. This too is who I am.

When I ponder where I left off--the feeling of "dancing along the water's edge" --the place where ocean meets dry land, the constant pulling of opposing tides, it is this very conflicted tautness that keeps me present. The choice to walk this razor's edge or surrender into the stronger pull, though it may switch and sway me at any time, this is what keeps me alive, current. This intersection of life.

I want a big life. I get my assed kicked. Then I long to be small, safe. I hide.

I long for a deep love, a partner to share with. I find that. Then I long for freedom, independence. My own space.

I am a woman, I am a child. I have a child, I am forced to grow up. Growing up, I am a child again. I become whole. Wholly woman.

I can't help but create, this is my fire. Yet non-paid creations, though priceless, don't pay the mortgage. I burn out. I create elsewhere.

I focus on my child, who, after all, needs me. My own needs suffer.

The laws of inertia, of defeatism, of neglect defy momentum and make a mockery of progress. Yet I surrender to who I am, where I am. Some things I cannot change, though I push and push. Until I stop. I'm still breathing.

As I grasp at different perspectives, poking and turning them, angling for a view, the piece that doesn't quite seem to fit, the piece where she ends and I begin, or where I surrender and she is met, the mother-daughter dance, the "how long is the rope?," the how much freedom and autonomy, how much supervision and protection piece….as soon as I think I've mastered this, I am presented with another view.

There is no correct answer. This is a fluid question that demands continual adjustments, many times after the (devastating) fact.

(Insert detailed story…)

We are both learning, expanding, accomplishing…and failing, deflating, healing, then growing again. Never static. Never arrived.

At times the growing pains are enormous. This is one such time.

When I consider the push-pull of my own life, living at the intersection of many issues, this piece, perspective, never quite fits. Rather, it expands and contracts, twists and turns, always shifting, leaving me in a continual state of growth and learning, not to mention mental dehydration.

Time…oh where do we allocate those precious hours?

Priorities? What's more important? On this given day or mood of the moment? Me, myself and I, my child, my husband, my family, my work, my workout, my friends in need, the preschool, the elementary school, the community parents, the neighbors, the cat? The emails, the blogs, the phone? Having stuff? But we need a new roof, our grill is shot, our 11-yr-old couch is uncomfortable…yet… still we have so much more than many.

It's hard to keep a perspective on what is a most meaningful use of my time, my work, my effort, plans.

I am at the edge of knowing and unknowing, seeing and unseeing, feeling and unfeeling, believing and unbelieving, encouraging and protecting, building and tearing down, letting go, of self, ideas and others.

I've been everywhere. I am nowhere. I am right here.

I am with my daughter. I am putting meals on the table, socks on her feet. The yard, a place of beauty, becomes a home to celebrate 5. Five. Arguably one of the hardest jobs I've ever done, I am being present, excruciatingly present. I expected no less. For now that is enough. But it isn't enough. I also expected more.

As I stand at the intersection, fully conscious, searching for perspective in my mothering and in my own life, I am awash in gratitude. We have each other. Though there is
struggle, though there is pain, and certainly loss, this is a great gift not to be squandered. And in a moment's notice all could be taken away rendering my angst meaningless. But it isn't. And gratefully, it wasn't, not now, not this time.

I exhale thank you.

With that my heart lightens and I am filled with love and abundance. I may not understand it, others definitely may not understand it, but this is what I am doing. And, in gratitude, I hope for more expansion to come...in whatever way it will.

I bow down to this giant mystery and do my best to stay on the path.

All I ask is that it lead somewhere…worthwhile.

Lord knows, my maps haven't worked.

1 comment:

Jerri said...

It IS leading you somewhere meaningful: your life. Every day, every intersection, so matter which path you choose. It all has meaning as long as you have the ability to see the meaning in it all.

I hope you are well, T. I hear dark echoes here, reflecting much I don't understand. Reach out if you need a hand. I am here and I care deeply.